Confession: I’m a massive foodie but I’m also a recovering bulimic.
As pathetic and shallow- I’ve told myself this so many times- as it may seem, being uncomfortable with appearance has cast a massive shadow over life. For the longest time I felt awkward and unattractive: The chubby, bespectacled one in a group of slim beauties is how I saw myself…still see myself. If you’ve ever felt as ugly as I did for as long as I did, then you would know that it’s almost impossible to see yourself in any other light and no matter how many times you hear you aren’t, the feeling persists.
My low self-esteem has resulted in an eating disorder. I began to restrict what I was eating but then that lead to episodes of excessive consumption. When I first purged, I convinced myself it was alright because it would only be that once. The next few times it was just that one time a month until month became week and week became day. I didn’t even enjoy eating anymore; it has just been a constant cycle of bingeing and purging.
I don’t want the terrible body image I’ve maintained for years to dictate my life or, if it hasn’t already, irreparably destroy my health. I’ve tried a number of recovery tactics and a few have had the desired effect: I became vegetarian during summer 2013, researched eating plans and read about other people’s experiences. These things have helped me to shrink the scope of my binges, to recognise when I should be eating and to feel less alone.
As much as I have dreamt of being that severe vision of chic fashion-cool cloaked in black, the fact of the matter is: I adore food and could probably spend my days just eating. Here lies the issue and somehow I’m going to have to strike a compromise which makes me happy and doesn’t involve slowly wrecking my body from the inside out.
Alors, I have decided to take to my kitchen, the streets of Cambridge and elsewhere in search of sustenance which is both nutritious and filling, in other words: worth that dollar. I don’t know when I’ll get better but hopefully this will encourage a balanced and healthy routine as well as re-kindle my love for food.
If you are living with disordered eating of any sort (as I know many students are), I hope these posts will help you out and that you can overcome whatever you are dealing with.
Watch this space!
– Chill, 21st February 2014, CBG –