I go up, I come down, I move forwards, then take two steps back. It’s frustrating and sometimes I wonder: What is the point of attempting movement in any direction if I always end up back in the same dull space in-between? This is when I drop off.
I tell you, the problems I have continue to get in my way because my attempts to cure them are always focused in changing my future and wanting to escape the past. Instead of just letting go. I feel like we’re all too caught up in the belief that there is something better beyond our present and that there is something negative to be moving away from which, counter-productively, we never let go of because otherwise we might inadvertently regress.
This thought process works for some, they recognise a (low) point they never want to sink to and another (higher and better) point they want to and will strive towards. Alternatively, for those less secure, the better seems too far and the fear of plummeting to undesirable lows is constantly looming so they’re trapped on a humble field between the ephemeral greener pastures of success and the arid wastelands of desesperanza, le mépris, misery.
As long as a preoccupation with these two points remains, we will never be able to truly appreciate where we are: the mid-point, the present, a humble field. Those driven, confident individuals are always looking ahead of the now whilst their less enthused, more confused, counterparts, like myself, often find themselves resenting it.
True, some fields might seem greener, sunnier, breezier than others but what is the point if the high achievers with everything (who also just keep getting) don’t fully take on board what they have? On my field, there are books, journals, articles, literary theorists and yoga. On Beyonce’s field there are award shows, fashion shows, talent shows and fiestas…probably yoga too… I’d like this field but I don’t have it. What if I were to stop thinking about what I could have or don’t have and actually took the time to live? I might come to realise that where I am is beautiful and enriching. I might come to enjoy my field. What’s-more, I might come to enjoy it more than I would Beyonce’s! Heck, Beyonce might even want a field like mine! Ye Jay-B (AKA Judith Butler) ain’t Jay-Z but she spits a hard game and drops mad critical thought on the regular.
Of course, alongside taking life in, I’ll continue to work steadily with my plan and one day my field might rival Beyonce’s but when and if I get there, I want to know that I enjoyed all that I found and learnt along the way. So here’s the plan:
.Un-dull the middle-space.
Think differently about the things you do everyday, Do differently the things you do every day. If something isn’t working for you, change the things you do everyday. Be in control of what you can control and don’t be afraid. Surely, by this approach, we’ll begin to notice new and exciting things in the everyday…
For as long as I can remember, I have been discontent with myself and my everyday, going through the motions of looking forward, backward instead of embracing just being. I never stopped to consider that maybe I felt so empty because I wasn’t letting life fill me. Until now.
Two months into 2015, I have decided to stop and focus on my present; to dedicate myself to recuperating and cultivating my personal field as it stands. This has meant making a considerable life-changing decision which I’m both proud and scared of. I’ll certainly be facing some of my biggest challenges to date but I’ll face them head on whilst living in the moment and remembering that: Life doesn’t have to be perfect to be wonderful.
So, in preparation, I’m rebooting my life-computer and soon I’ll be back on.
Y con eso, http://www.cirque1993.com will va creciendo, es decir, continue but with a greater focus on lifestyle, wellbeing, enjoyment and appreciation. Disfrutamos chicos and look out for newcomers Lit Critz N Harmony.
P.S. Can you tell I’ve pretty much become Spanish? (as said by a deluded linguist)